Not-so-manly men
January 29th, 2008 by Stuart
There was an interesting article this weekend that examined the recent trend among young males to postpone adulthood and prolong adolescence. The article, “The Child-Man” by Kay Hymowitz, discussed how, because the average age of marriage has increased, males now indulge longer in adolescent behaviors and concerns, existing in a “hormonal limbo” and acquiring the title “child-man.”
I think we’ve all seen this tendency among 20 and 30-something guys who still act as if they were in college and revel in immaturity. The article proposes that such undeveloped adolescence is the male’s default state; it is only marriage and parenthood that forces a transition into adulthood. Now that’s interesting. I know that if I had my way, I’d spend all day on the couch watching movies and playing video games, but I can’t since I have to support my family. Maybe that is my default state after all (I can’t wait for retirement!). But the article raised some other questions as well.
Growing up in church, there was always some sort of Men’s Ministry going on. Like a men’s breakfast, or a men’s retreat, or a men’s conference, etc. I always thought this was strange. Why not just have an everybody breakfast, or an everybody retreat, or an everybody conference? Why do something different just for the men? Aren’t we all trying to be the best people of faith we can be?
Granted, the popularity of Men’s Ministries is higher in conservative-leaning churches that are more inclined to delineate the roles of males and females–”Men do this; women do this,” etc. Again, that always seemed kind of pointless to me. I mean, lets work on being more mature people of faith and not let society’s manufactured gender roles distract us. God’s without gender, right? So shouldn’t we be trying to transcend the limitations of gender? And would that make us trans-gendered? 
Anyway, I don’t really know how to vocalize the questions that the article raised. But it’s something involving what does it mean to be a (mature) man? Conversely, what does it mean to be a (mature) woman? Why is that so hard to figure out that churches need special gender-specific conferences? And why are guys so immature? If it’s our default state, doesn’t that make it natural and therefore acceptable? On the other hand, if it is from undeveloped, child-like urges, shouldn’t we want to grow past that? (Having to wear diapers is also a default state, but that doesn’t mean you should keep doing it.) I guess the appropriateness of adolescent, child-man behavior just depends on the age of the guy. Apparently that cut-off age has been rising of late. What do you think?
Thanks for participating in The Seventh Day blog carnival this week! This article is a wonderful addition to the Carnival. I hope you will participate again in the future and I am also looking for hosts, so if you are interested in hosting one Sunday, let me know.
I think that the phenomenon you describe is applicable to young men and women. I see a lot of folks in their 20’s lacking the maturity to live on their own and hold jobs. They seem to be more dependent on their parents than we were and I think it is due in part to the fact that they haven’t had the freedom we had. They’ve been driven to school, made to check in with their parents all the time, maintaining that connection through cell phones, etc. When we were kids, we ran all over town!! Our parents knew we’d come home but, alas, that hasn’t been the case for these kids.
It’s an interesting discussion, to be sure.
[…] shares Not-so-manly men from Connected Christianity, asking “What’s adulthood all about? What does it mean to […]
Hopeful Spirit,
You raise an interesting point. If kids never have the opportunity to live on the own (even if it’s just for an afternoon, and even if the parent is secretly watching), then why would we expect them to know how to do it in their 20s?
It’s a tough issue for me as I try to raise my young son with all those kinds of future issues in mind. I want him to have the freedom to test his footing in life without me holding his hand, but as his parent, I totally don’t like it when he falls and hurts himself. It’s hard not to intervene.
I think trust is a big player in this equation. Maybe parents don’t trust their kids not to screw up their lives beyond repair. Maybe parents don’t trust society not to harm their kids. Maybe parents don’t trust their own parenting to produce reliable kids. Maybe kids don’t trust themselves outside of their parents care. I sure don’t know. But if anybody has any tips for how to raise a kid, I’m all ears (he’s still young so we haven’t screwed him up… to much… yet!).
i hear this is a good parenting book:
http://www.amazon.com/Guilt-Free-Parenting-Robert-G-Bruce/dp/0687059941/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1202312366&sr=8-2
I think a lot of the immaturity (in both men and women) is related to selfishness. Having a spouse is kind of like holding up a mirror that shows all your flaws. When I got married, it became apparent to me just how selfish I truly was (am).
What I am saying is that without some sort of motivation (self-motivation or a spouse to answer to) there is very little to push a young adult out of the “live for myself, looking out for number 1″ mind set.
Sunny Daydreame,
You make a good point. I think we’re all a lot more selfish than we realize. I also think that selfishness is the root of all evil, but that’s a different discussion. While it’s good and natural to care for yourself, sometimes it’s hard to find a balance between self-care and selfish insensitive indulgence. I wonder if there’s a way, as we raise kids (who won’t be married for a long time), to help them develop a sense of awareness that takes other people into account instead of just thinking of themselves. Is it just me, or are kids these days more selfish than they used to be? I’m sure every generation thinks the same thing. Who knows, maybe they’re all right!
Emily,
Hmmm, that’s an interesting book. And it’s only .01 cents on Amazon. Not a bad deal!